i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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