Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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