My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
