tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
