I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
