My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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