I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
