god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
don't judge my taste in strippers
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
