just come out here and I will go home with you...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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