Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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