Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
