just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
