; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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