I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
