You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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