i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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