dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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