please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize