If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
