I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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