Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We have started to decorate penises.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
