You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
