Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
