She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There are leaves in my underwear?
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