she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
