happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
