I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
