so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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