mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
