I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
