Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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