being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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