Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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