I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize