I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
