I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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