I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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