I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
