I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
