i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
People in love make me want to vomit
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
