i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im holly from the hills drunk
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
