So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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