There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
