I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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