He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
