Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
