we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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