I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
