I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
