If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We left an ass print on the piano.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize