im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Rumble strips road head = magical
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
