i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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