i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
