I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
