I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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