im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What drink are we having for lunch?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
