i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
