my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
