Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
