so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
