Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
