i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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