Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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