I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
