thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Blood and glitter go together right?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
